Baby Carson

Some days it's so very clear how God places things in perfect order. I am thankful today was one of those days. 13 years ago today was a horrible time in my husband’s life and mine. What began as a normal Sunday morning in 2003, turned into one of the worst days of my life.

As I began my devotional this morning, I felt guilty that I did not finish my last one. I went ahead & picked up where I left off.  It was clear the Lord saved this part of my study for me to read today. See Moses is almost to the Promise Land. The Lord takes him high up on the mountain and tells him he will never get to enter the Promise Land. This seemed so odd to me & honestly made me a little angry. He has been looking so forward to this for years and years, then God takes it away. This was difficult for me to understand. Why? After all this time Lord takes it away from him. Why would a loving God do this?

This is how I felt on February 2nd, 2003. My husband and I were so excited. We had great dreams & plans for the upcoming year. We had picked out a name for our 1^st child we were having together. The name was Carson.  My 1st daughter I say I got the “easy way” by marrying her dad. 

On this Sunday morning in 2003, I was dressed and ready for church. I was wearing black pants, boots and a cream colored sweater. We were thrilled my sister-in-law was joining us for church. And, were all actually running on time. Unfortunately, the mood quickly changed. I began feeling strange so I went to the restroom. I saw blood. Fear and panic overcame me, but I was trying to tell myself this was just "spotting ". It happens sometimes, right. We called the doctor and he instructed me to put my feet for a little while and rest. Then, over the next couple of hours it got worse.  It was getting heavier and heavier. I clearly remember sitting there scared- crying out- please let my baby be ok. Charles called his sister and told her we had to cancel our church plans. I remember feeling guilty for letting them all down. How crazy is that? As you can see I have a problem with guilt. I’m still working on that.

A lot of my past is a blur. Many days and some years are just gone, blocked from my memory. As much as I try, I can’t seem to even catch a glance of what happened during those times. I’m sure God has decided I am not ready, or maybe He is protecting me from pain. I don’t know. This was not the case today. It is very clear. 

Now back to 2013. After resting for a little while, there was no improvement so we were sent to the ER. I remember thinking I should have gone earlier in the day.  I’ll never forget waiting in the ER. I was so scared. We were waiting to hear if our baby was okay. It seemed like an eternity.  I was holding on to every bit of hope I could find.

My hope was shattered. The doctor tells us----- our baby was gone. Carson was gone. From that point forward I felt like I was in slow motion. Tears, pain and heartbreak like I had never known. I felt like I was outside my body watching myself in a nightmare and I could not wake up.

Some people say time heals all wounds. That’s a lie. The healing never stops. Times just makes it a little easier to move on day to day. I can not imagine how you could ever go on without Jesus when tragedy comes. It will come for all of us at times in our lives. I found out this morning, I still have a whole lot of healing left to do. I am so thankful my devotion made the day more bearable.

See, Moses was on the top of that mountain. God showed him a land that he would never enter. However, he had something much greater for him. Moses died there that day and the Lord buried him. The Creator of the Universe buried Him. I realize now that God did not give him the Promise Land, but he gave him Heaven.

We do not have a grave for Carson. There is no place I can say or show where we buried our baby. As you can guess, this is another area where I feel guilt. Yes- I know this is a problem. However, today I see that Moses doesn't have a marked grave either. No one but the Lord knows where it is. I know Carson is in Heaven. He is with Jesus. He’s there with Moses and all my other family & friends before me. I know we will meet our sweet baby again someday. I’m thankful the Lord revealed this to me today through studying Deuteronomy 34. It was His perfect timing.

This story is just a small part of my journey I need to work through. Believe me, I have a lot of issues & baggage. The Lord placed this one on my heart and directed me to share this with someone who needed to hear it. I needed it for me just as much. So today, I started writing again. It's been a while. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is an occasion for everything,

and a time for every activity under heaven:

2 Corinthians 12:9 But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.

*My Bible Study I am doing is Seamless by Angie Smith. If you have not done it - you are missing out. 

OK- I am back!!!!!
I hope to start writing again , but we will see how I will do..
This morning I was surfing around & reading posts...It saddens me to read posts on FB or Twitter of people who once claimed to believe in Jesus & now say they are done with it...
Makes me wonder if they really ever "got it" b/c if you did you would have a desire -even if deeply buried--to come back to Him...
Maybe you do, but are scared to admit it..Your life is missing something, there is a void that will never be filled unless you accept Jesus...
Hard to see why Hell would be a better option....?
Please don't let a bad experience, worldly views & the "all about me" mentality rob you of the greatest Gift you will ever receive.
Jesus' promise makes every struggle, trial, hurt or loss bearable knowing your eternity is with Him. It also allows you to grow in ways you never imagined. 
Don't miss what God had planned for your life..
Today can be the day to say- OK I give. Jesus rescue me from myself & this world!...
I promise others (including myself) will line up to help you see God's plan & help you make the next right step...
We are not hear to judge- a sin is a sin is a sin---we will love you through them -just like I am loved through mine..
What we will do is speak Truth- the only Absolute Truth- but love regardless of mistakes..We must strive to do better & grow closer to God, not because He requires it, but because we Crave more of Him & less of "me"..
Love to all- Happy Saturday!!!!

Letting Go......still a challenge

It's so funny that we have this great idea to LET GO of stuff that bogs us down. Don't get me wrong, we all have great intentions. However, how many of us REALLY do it?! Something about the "stuff" we need to rid ourselves of keeps clinging on. You know Satan loves this & will use it every chance he gets...Now this could be all sorts of things. Just feel free to stick in your own scenario. ( If you don't have one---give Praise to our Heavenly Father because your are lucky!)
Now this "stuff" could be relationships with family or friends that are toxic, the act of busyness, insecurities, addictions, fears, financial troubles,etc...The list is so long & I realize the more I have -the longer  I type them so I decided to put in the etc....

The problem is we claim to want to let go, but do we really- do we fully surrender it to our Saviour???

Are we still trying to control it & not trusting God?
Are we scared to go where Jesus is sending us because we don't want to let someone down?
Are you scared to disappoint your kids by making a choice for their best interest or protection?
Are we scared of what others will say?
Are we scared of the judgement we will receive from others?
Are we scared to ask for help?
Are we choosing to hide in pain so others won't think we don't "measure up"
Are we selfish & don't want to put up the effort?
Are we questioning God's direction we clearly heard because others do?

I am sure most of us can relate. I find the majority of our issues come from what we believe others think, say or feel. The Only One we should care about is Jesus . He clearly stated for us to Cast our anxieties on Him because He care for us...He has no agenda but grace.

A great friend of mine told me something I will never forget. This is for when people try to make us feel bad or make us feel guilty--she said to tell them , " You Can Keep Your Shame".  Wow! How freeing is that? I tell you when I acknowledged that this was their intention- I realized this was a problem they have- not me.  Now please, don't say you have to hold each other accountable. We absolutely do. There is a huge difference- Accountability comes with the love of Christ coming through us to help someone else. Shame comes when someone else want to make themselves feel better for judging you. This was a turn around for me. You will easily be able to distinguish the difference.

Now it's time to try & live out what I know to be true..I must follow where God is leading me & freely accept his grace.Who knows how I might be changed in the process-( I know how much I have already been changed) or how He plans to use my walk in the life of someone else....We can't change others. We can't change the way they treat us. We can't expect them to understand or accept responsibility. We can pray for them- even when that is a challenge. There comes a time when we have to stop allowing them to hurt us any longer. We must forgive- so we can be free & move on. The "patchwork" must stop to be free from it & not keep pretending..
Another friend told me that there is a huge difference in forgiveness & reconciliation. Not that both can't occur, but not always ( at least not right away)..At some point, we have to forgive- but God does not ask us to keep allowing ourselves to be abused. We are expected to pray for them. When other's do not seek God 1st- how can you expect them to honor us? If their sin doesn't bother them- how can we expect them to understand? If ways of the worlds & material things and money are more important than their relationship with Christ- all we can do is pray that life change will happen for them..

A comment was made to me once- this was their excuse for hurting me. It was "I have to provide for my family (my wife)-that is my 1st obligation".  How wrong is that? My pastor preached a great sermon recently in which he said, " OUR FIRST PRIORITY IS TO SEEK GOD". If we do this- if we truly SEEK GOD 1st-all the rest will fall into place. God does not ask us or require us to damage someone else's soul to provide for our family. God is love & that is not. He would rather us sacrifice for the sake of others.

Now another challenge that I am trying to accomplish was this quote I heard " If we have forgiven we wouldn't still be talking about it". 

Dear Lord,

Thank you first & foremost for the Cross. Thank you for your grace & your relationship you allow me to have with You. I am so blessed because I am a child of God & am so thankful. Jesus, please help me move on from my hurts, please help me forgive, please continue to guide me where You need me to go. Lord use me for your glory & for Kingdom purposes. Please help me put my selfish desires, wants, pains and insecurities out of the way so Your work can be done. I love you and continue to pray that I continually be drawn closer to You- to allow you to make me uncomfortable for change & growth to occur. Jesus I truly want to be more like You.

-Amen

A New Normal

My life has been full of so many ups & downs this past year- I am looking forward to what I will call, "My New Normal" in 2012.
I was faced with so many choices- good & bad, that I felt I was lost for the most part of 2011. As I was heading down this new path the Lord blessed me with, I was still trying to function with all my old baggage. Jesus said, "Give it to me!". However I still drug it around trying to patch & repair it a long the way. A little duct tape here, rubber band there. I think all I ended up doing was putting bricks in it & feeling completely heavy all the time. I will not lie- I am still heavy but I am aware. I am aware of what I must give up & let go- I must let God. That is it. Let God work in me & through me like I could never do on my own.
This is not all about me as some may say or feel. It is all about Him. God is leading me & whenever I sway from what I hear Him speak- I trip & fall...How can the work He is doing through me come to fruition if I do not listen & trust Him.
I pray that in this New Year I will commit to spend time with God first- and trust only in Him. I must give up the lies of this world & lies of my past and know that I am a precious child of God- clothed with dignity & strength.. Thank you all who are on this journey with me. God has surrounded me with people who show unconditional love as if it is straight from the Father.
I am blessed with a loving, faithful God. He has given me a husband I always dreamed of & precious girls whom still my heart daily. I have a huge family of friends & loved ones that without The Bridge Fellowship I would have not known.
As I look back- it is so clear He has given me what I needed to get past what I did not have & always searched for, but remained heartbroken...He gave me a relationship with Him that is backed up with good & faithful servants.
Thank you Jesus. I know the road will not always be smooth. I know you may hear me write sadness one day & joy the next. You know what- that is okay. I hope & pray that anyone who reads this takes away that transparency is so freeing. Why do we hide what the One who matters already knows? Be free...in Him.
Love to all!

Now Where?

I know everyone has been here at some point in their life, that is...... LOST. I do not mean in a spiritual sense (some of you may be there too), but in a humbling sense. For the 1st time in my life -I love Jesus more than I ever imagined. My marriage is better than ever. I am a better parent than I ever thought I could be ( a daily struggle)- but still lost when it comes to my purpose.
In the midst of this daze- I somehow feel like I am EXACTLY where God wants me for today. YES- we are going through struggles I never wanted or thought I needed, but God must have thought I did. So, I will choose to be still & listen.....
I never knew silence could be so peaceful. God is saying:
" It is OKAY to be completely dependent on Me! This is all I ever wanted for you My child- so sit there, patiently & I will guide you. I will not fail you & I will not let you hurt or struggle more than you can handle...Lean on Me..."

Why oh why do we say Okay Jesus- you take it..We truly feel we will give it to Him...Then life happens & we think He needs our help! Really??? Isn't that Why we gave it to Him in the 1st place... So I challenge each of you - as I do myself once, twice- well a bunch a day---to Give it all to Him & fight taking it back as much as you would a snake attacking you..This is Satan's perfect plan. He wants you to hurt, he wants you to depend on yourself & this world. Refuse Satan & give it to the greatest Father you will ever know...

If you know me well- you know I am struggling with a lot. Today I chose to say, "Here Jesus- it is yours. Take our finances, Take my stress, Take my Guilt, Take my Anger,  Take my shame- Take it all- just take me sweet Jesus & make me what you desire of me & lead me where You think is best for me to go...
I give it all to You...

Yours,
              Kristy

Philippians 3:7-11

New Living Translation (NLT)

 ⁷ I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ ⁹ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ.^[a] For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, ¹¹ so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

It's ok to take care of me

There comes a time in life where we have to make decisions that are hard. Decisions you wish you were never given to make. The difference now is, I take them all to God. I ask, or plead with Jesus to help me.

1 Chronicles 16:10-11 Glory in his holy name;
   let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and his strength;
   seek his face always.

I do not know the path that I will choose- I just know I have heard clearly from Him that I need to work on healing. A lot has happened to me in my life & I am finally realizing that my body is His temple. If I am to honor God- to minister to others, I need to prepare myself. This means I need to learn to forgive- and then work through the process of how to move on. Our ways are not His ways- Wow that's hard to accept!  It has never been more evident of this,  than in my life right now. I realize that trials come & they are so very painful. However- the feeling of closeness with God and the relationship you develop is part of His plan.

I know now, I am not responsible for the actions, words or feelings of others. I can not change another human being. All I can do is pray for them & lift them up to our Father. My pastor once stated, "If the Holy Spirit can not change them, you can't". It is so true. I hope through my prayers we all come to our knees & fully accept God, live for God & not of this world or worldly things I call "stuff". It is not for me to own the decisions of others- nor is it for me to judge their actions. There is only one judge & that is Jesus. I am only responsible for me & leading my children.

I do not know what tomorrow brings- or how I will get there. I am a mess. That is hard to say. What I do know is that if the good Lord brought me to it, He will bring me through it. He has blessed me with the best husband and children a wife-or a mom could ask for, or even feel like I deserve. I love you Charles with all my heart & soul and THANK YOU for loving me "for better or worse, for richer for poorer". You have made God proud- You honor Him, you honor your vows and you honor me ( as Christ loved the church).  It's strange when you actually "get" the old saying ~ We may not have it all together, but together we have it all~.

There are people in my life who give me wings- who lift me & support me when I do not know where to go. They remind me that it is ok to be where I am today. I am so very thankful for each of you. You all know who you are.  I am weak, I am humble & I am loosing my prideful ways. I will be okay because God says I am His.
~Dear Lord please rebuild me & guide me on the path You want me to go. I am Yours. Help me know where to go next, what to say & how to get there. Thank you for dying for me & rescuing me from myself. I am a complete mess without you.. Love- Your child

Brooklynn-our 16 year old..I couldn't post with earlier msg.

"Sisters- Samantha & Brooklynn"

My wonderful Family

She can not stand whipped cream :)

She PASSED!!!!