Baby Carson

Some days it's so very clear how God places things in perfect order. I am thankful today was one of those days. 13 years ago today was a horrible time in my husband’s life and mine. What began as a normal Sunday morning in 2003, turned into one of the worst days of my life.

As I began my devotional this morning, I felt guilty that I did not finish my last one. I went ahead & picked up where I left off.  It was clear the Lord saved this part of my study for me to read today. See Moses is almost to the Promise Land. The Lord takes him high up on the mountain and tells him he will never get to enter the Promise Land. This seemed so odd to me & honestly made me a little angry. He has been looking so forward to this for years and years, then God takes it away. This was difficult for me to understand. Why? After all this time Lord takes it away from him. Why would a loving God do this?

This is how I felt on February 2nd, 2003. My husband and I were so excited. We had great dreams & plans for the upcoming year. We had picked out a name for our 1^st child we were having together. The name was Carson.  My 1st daughter I say I got the “easy way” by marrying her dad. 

On this Sunday morning in 2003, I was dressed and ready for church. I was wearing black pants, boots and a cream colored sweater. We were thrilled my sister-in-law was joining us for church. And, were all actually running on time. Unfortunately, the mood quickly changed. I began feeling strange so I went to the restroom. I saw blood. Fear and panic overcame me, but I was trying to tell myself this was just "spotting ". It happens sometimes, right. We called the doctor and he instructed me to put my feet for a little while and rest. Then, over the next couple of hours it got worse.  It was getting heavier and heavier. I clearly remember sitting there scared- crying out- please let my baby be ok. Charles called his sister and told her we had to cancel our church plans. I remember feeling guilty for letting them all down. How crazy is that? As you can see I have a problem with guilt. I’m still working on that.

A lot of my past is a blur. Many days and some years are just gone, blocked from my memory. As much as I try, I can’t seem to even catch a glance of what happened during those times. I’m sure God has decided I am not ready, or maybe He is protecting me from pain. I don’t know. This was not the case today. It is very clear. 

Now back to 2013. After resting for a little while, there was no improvement so we were sent to the ER. I remember thinking I should have gone earlier in the day.  I’ll never forget waiting in the ER. I was so scared. We were waiting to hear if our baby was okay. It seemed like an eternity.  I was holding on to every bit of hope I could find.

My hope was shattered. The doctor tells us----- our baby was gone. Carson was gone. From that point forward I felt like I was in slow motion. Tears, pain and heartbreak like I had never known. I felt like I was outside my body watching myself in a nightmare and I could not wake up.

Some people say time heals all wounds. That’s a lie. The healing never stops. Times just makes it a little easier to move on day to day. I can not imagine how you could ever go on without Jesus when tragedy comes. It will come for all of us at times in our lives. I found out this morning, I still have a whole lot of healing left to do. I am so thankful my devotion made the day more bearable.

See, Moses was on the top of that mountain. God showed him a land that he would never enter. However, he had something much greater for him. Moses died there that day and the Lord buried him. The Creator of the Universe buried Him. I realize now that God did not give him the Promise Land, but he gave him Heaven.

We do not have a grave for Carson. There is no place I can say or show where we buried our baby. As you can guess, this is another area where I feel guilt. Yes- I know this is a problem. However, today I see that Moses doesn't have a marked grave either. No one but the Lord knows where it is. I know Carson is in Heaven. He is with Jesus. He’s there with Moses and all my other family & friends before me. I know we will meet our sweet baby again someday. I’m thankful the Lord revealed this to me today through studying Deuteronomy 34. It was His perfect timing.

This story is just a small part of my journey I need to work through. Believe me, I have a lot of issues & baggage. The Lord placed this one on my heart and directed me to share this with someone who needed to hear it. I needed it for me just as much. So today, I started writing again. It's been a while. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is an occasion for everything,

and a time for every activity under heaven:

2 Corinthians 12:9 But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.

*My Bible Study I am doing is Seamless by Angie Smith. If you have not done it - you are missing out.